Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Beach Bum

*Alas, this is the final installation of Truth or Lie. Vote at the poll to your right. You have until Sunday to cast your vote. Monday I will reveal the truth. Thanks for playing! And now, without further ado, I present:

I am not a swimmer.

(it comes as no surprise, right?)

I have a low tolerance for being cold, and water makes me cold.
I have an even lower tolerance for drowning, and water makes me drown.

Also, I look ugly when I'm wet.

Or when I'm wearing a swim suit.

My usual grace and ease (?) is instantly petrified into a great glob of self-consciousness when confronted with either swim suit or water, so put the two together, and baby, you have just whipped yourself up a perfect storm spelled, D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

But my kids love swimming (they even love drowning), so I go.

On one particularly note-worthy occasion, we finished swimming without anything life-threatening happening, and retired to the small dressing rooms on the pool deck; Me and the girls in one, Ty and Sy in another.

I peeled the stubborn suits off the girls, dried their skin, and helped them into their clothes. Then I let them out of the dressing room so that I could have a little privacy (because there's nothing I treasure more than a little hard-earned privacy). I double-checked the lock.

I dried myself off. Then I triple-checked the lock, shuddering at the thought of the door coming open with me inside. With my back to the door I shimmied and wrestled around until my suit finally came off with a loud, sucking noise. I slipped on a t-shirt, but was still damp, so I dried everything else with a towel – you know the type of drying where you rub the towel back and forth across the back of your body? And I say to you now, no joke, that as I was doing this lovely towel waltz, I let my mind play a little game I play often, called, “what if.” This particular round, I imagined turning to find that the door had come open. It was such a terrible and far-fetched idea, that I shuddered, gave a terrified giggle, and quickly changed the subject with myself. Besides, I had more pressing matters to attend to, like the breeze I felt on my bare backside. (!!!)

You guessed it. The door was open. I shut it quickly, but not before noticing how many pool patrons were in my direct line of sight: five. All male. One was the lifeguard.

I was dressed in two milliseconds, flat. I speed-walked straight out to the car, hoping my family would follow. When Ty caught up with me, I was too deep into shock to explain what happened. I just stared at him, wide-eyed, and laughed in a strange, hysterical way. I told him that we could never, no never, no never go back. Ever.

And we haven’t.

There ARE worse things than drowning, after all.


Sharlee said...

Either way (drowning or strip-teasing) you could never go back. I'm with you.
I don't think it would be fair for me to vote since I already know the answer (i think?)

The United Statements of Merica said...

PLEASE don't let this one be true. I can't take it. I'm in shock and i don't even know what to say.. :)

Christy said...! I kind of hope this one isn't true, because this would be my worst nightmare. I also do NOT swim, or rather, I choose NOT to because of the fact that swimming involves swimsuits and we don't mix. Have you noticed that whenever you guys have invited me to go, I HAD other plans...yeah. Hate the pool, the lake, the river, the sea and ocean... Am I missing anything? Hmmm...I will have to go back and read them again to decide. Thanks for entertaining me and everyone else who knows of your blog!

Sandra said...

This is the funniest one yet! I feel really bad for you if this is true. I find it really odd that there are small dressing rooms on the pool deck. That's fishy.

Oh no, it was probably a chlorinated pool so-no fish in there!

Jen Merrill said...

i think the first one is true- even though cornbread for breakfast (in my world) is a little weird... ;)

Stephanie said...

I'm going to have to go with the second one about Wal-Mart. I just can't imagine living through the other two. But, it anyone could, it would be you, so maybe they're all true.

Emily said...

I'm a little late, but I think the one about the cornbread is the lie.

Parley and Anna and family! said...

Two embarrassing naked stories?! (or practically so) I really have no idea which is true, but in the end you've provided me w/ some great entertainment, which is always what I expect when reading your blog. How's that for pressure? Can't wait to find out which one is true!

Michelle said...

I double check and tripple check locks all the time! Especially at the horrid little one holer bathrooms that open up to a public space.