Monday, February 3, 2014

WANTED: Sister In-Law*


I am a woman in the prime of life, desperately seeking a good, down-to-earth sister in-law. I have three already, but currently seek a 4th and final one to round out my collection. I am quiet, but friendly. I'm like a dog that way: happy to sit and listen to you talk about yourself all day (but only if you're interesting). I am loyal (see? like a dog). I will stick by you through thick and thin, defending you against any ill-mannered brothers in-law if you join the team. I like to cook, and will invite you over for dinner often. 







I like to wear over-sized sunglasses while I watch people take long walks on the beach.
(Personal Ad Rule #1. Casually-placed, totally legit swimsuit picture: check)








My best friend is an elk. His name is Vladamir.
(Personal Ad Rule #2. Show a love of animals: check)






I think you have almost everything you need to make an informed decision.

But I know what you're thinking:

"WHY is such a charismatic, talented girl like that, with so much to offer (Elk! HUGE sunglasses!), still searching for a sister in-law? There must be something wrong, or surely someone would have put a ring on that (brother in-law of hers) by now."

So, I'll just be honest.

There is one tiny something that always gets in the way.

I call it Exhibit BIL:

I mean, look at that chiseled jaw. What's he playing at? How does he expect to find me a sister in-law if he's just going to sit around looking all handsome and Abercrombie poster-esque? It's embarrassing.

And then there's his habit of smoking toothpicks with a mysterious polka dot glare on his glasses, all while remaining perfectly adorable. Despicable.



The guy just won't stop being an idol to all his nieces and nephews, either. Disgusting.



I mean, he buys (or builds) them thoughtful gifts and attends all their birthday parties like he's some sort of hero.

Bleh.

Ugh.














And don't even get me started on his penchant for rough housing and breaking my furniture. If he weren't so darn likable (and a former State Champion wrestler, bull rider, and boxer - you think I'm going to mess with him?), it would be annoying.





Also, sometimes, after we have Thanksgiving dinner (and he has thoroughly, sincerely, and courteously complimented the chef - gag), he poses for pictures with his shifty-eyed brothers, looking like he's been drinking. But if I were you, I'd be more worried about the brothers than of him. Trust me.  

(and it's just sparkling cider)

Yeah. I guess he's not SO bad...if you like a guy who is a great catch: A returned missionary (bilingual, anyone?) with a job, a house, and a car. A super laid-back man who treats everyone like they are interesting and funny. A person who loves kids...

But if those things just aren't your cup of tea, consider the fact that becoming my sister in-law would pretty much guarantee you beautiful babies, elite Shuwoman status, and good companionship (like a dog! how many times must I say it?). 

Eh?

I said, EH?!


*If you think I'm joking, stop. I am as serious as I ever get. Maybe even more. I have declared 2014 The Year of The Sister In-Law. Please, if you know someone who is looking to be set up with one of the best, most fun guys you'll ever meet, contact me (click on my profile and e-mail me, please!) immediately. Seriously. I already told him that he had his chance, failed, and now I'm finding a sister in-law for myself. Now I must deliver. Please help me!

** Prospective sisters in-law must be aged 19-26, single, not stupid, low to zero maintenance, and active members of my (and his) faith. Oh, and local (Pocatello, Idaho) or willing to become so.











7 comments:

Anonymous said...

You had me a bull riding and then I realized I could be his mother (or Aunt or older sister).

MM

Anonymous said...

I know the perfect 24 year old I too am searching for a BIL ! Too bad she's a state away.....

Melissa said...

What a fantastic post! You sound like an awesome sister-in-law! Good luck!

Silver said...

Dang it! I am 33... Sometimes being older really bites. lol. I love how sweet you are towards your brother. That might be my problem, I do not have a brother who would do the same for me. Good luck to both of you!

Herman Peachtree said...

In Search of Awesome Brother-in-law


Dear Andrea,

It's funny that you are searching for an amazing sister in law, because I myself am in search of a brother-in-law very similar to the one your present in your post.

I happen to be the brother of an amazing, lively, beautiful woman.

My sister is an equally too-great-she's-almost-annoying potential sister-in-law to you.

She has the brightest smile. She is full of life and laughter. She's been to Hungary and back--her own bilingual-enabling mission experience. She has a college degree. She has a beautiful singing voice.

But mostly, you are happy just being with her. She gives and lives in the moment. You would be lucky to have a sister-in-law like my sister. I know because I feel so lucky to already have her as a sister.

Maybe there could be some magic between them.

a Rose disguised as a Daisy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amber said...

My way cute Sister in law Stacy would make you the perfect Sister in Law, she even likes dogs! How would you feel about a Red Head? She is 26 and a returned missionary. She's a little spunky but comes from a big family so she could probably put up with his niece and nephew problem.