Friday, March 14, 2008

Letters to the Editor

Occasionally I wish products, businesses, and even people had editors to whom I could write to voice my opinion. Instead I am forced to vent my frustration on my poor husband, who patiently listens and feigns concern and sympathy. Luckily (for me, not you) I now have the perfect platform, in the form of my blog, to spew forth my inner-most desires for change. For instance:

Dear Editor of Midol,
Although your product lists irritability as a symptom that will be relieved by its use, I find the four impenetrable layers of factory-applied nonsense (glued-shut box, child-safe cap, impossible-to-get-off-without-scraping-all-the-skin-off-ones-fingers foil, and a huge wad of cotton, jammed strategically down the neck of the bottle) through which I must delve to extricate a tablet highly exacerbating to said symptom. While I did not suffer from irritability before buying your product, it is lucky for me that I didn't just go with a Tylenol, as I became suddenly and unusually irritated mere seconds before popping your pill. Coincidence?
-Irritable in Idaho

or this:
Dear Editor of jeans,
Is it too much to ask that a woman find a pair of jeans that fit? I am curious to know when "regular" length went from 32" to 40". Are girls these days getting leg implants, making them two feet taller than the girls with whom I share a birth year? Now, I know that I am not tall. In fact, I am an inch below "average." An inch I can deal with. But five to five thousand inches cannot be successfully lopped-off the bottom of a jean and look normal. Not to mention the fact that I refuse to spend the better half of a hundred dollar bill on a pair of jeans that I have to cut! Two years ago I could find jeans that fit (vertically at least) without even grabbing one of the far-too-outnumbered "short" versions. Not anymore. And I haven't even begun to mention the problems with the horizontal aspects of your product! Who IS your target consumer? I would really like to know. For, although I am aware of two or three in my city of 50,000+, there are not many 6'4", 100 lb., "perfect" women in this least not enough to base your entire product around. I cannot be the only woman who is not keen on baby-stretched stomachs hanging over the edges of her jeans, or peeking through the uncovered portion between shirt and waist band. I am not a teenager, and I do not wish to look like one. I would give my left leg if I could only find a pair of jeans that I felt comfortably decent wearing, although in a twist of irony perhaps, I may then be less worried about jeans and more concerned with hopping to and fro. Perhaps I would give my left arm instead, though that too has its disadvantages when zipping and fastening...I just can't win. I digress. I would simply like you to take me, and other women like me (which I'm guessing could be quite a few) into consideration when designing your product. Thank you, and I look forward to your new line of products aimed specifically toward real know, the line that makes me look like I'm 6'4", 100 lbs. :)
-5'5", and stretch-marked beyond recognition

No worries readers, I have a stash of like letters in the jumble-of-a-mess I call my brain, for there is no end to my frustration - yikes.


sharlee said...

LOVE IT! You put into words the exact way I feel about jeans! Thank you and you ought to send a copy of that to every jean company in the world. They need to know the truth of the matter.
Keep 'em coming, Andy. Let's hear more. Love you!

Matheson's said...

Ok- you are TOO FUNNY! You are quite the writer- you should submit your work! I hear ya about "short" jeans- as if they even look the same on me! I'm destined to the cut off look forever & why the meds are so darn hard to open- Like those dang CD wrappings too!

Amber said...

What I like to refer to as the muffin-top, sock-free jeans. They beautifully showcase my muffin top and allow you to go w/ out socks because the jeans cover most of your feet anyway. I know you see this as a negative thing, but I (in my temporary New Year's optimistic state of mind) think just how cost effective it has been. No need to buy new jeans when your old jeans are going to fit just as awful as the new ones. Seriously saves me hundreds of dollars! Honestly though, just say the word and we can co-author a What to Expect type book, "What To Expect: The Reality Check." Interested?! I love your writing style and suspect many others would benefit from your wit as well!!!

Emily said...

Hear hear! I have been wondering lately if I was shrinking or everyone else was getting taller. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I'm just not a high heels with jeans kind of girl. Thank goodness it's almost spring & we can go back to capris & flip flops!

Amber said...

Yes, I was referring to the absolute junk of a book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I think it would be refreshing to read a book written from a realistic perspective, say perhaps a few stay-at-home mommies who may not have the education of a doctor or fancy-shmancy expert (we can certainly use big words like fancy-schmancy in the book if you want!), but are right in the middle of the child raising experience and actually get their hands dirty (in ways that would make most cringe). I'm serious about this. I know an author who keeps trying to get me to write a book. I keep telling her I don't have enough intersting things to say to fill a book, but maybe between the both of us, we could make it work??

Marianne said...

You took the words right out of my mouth!!! (accept you said them in a much better way)

Kimi Lou said...

My kids just came running to see what all the commotion was about. I think they were relieved that, though I was in fits of hysteria, my condition did not QUITE warrant a call to 911!
I think Amber is right! The two of you need to write a book! I know I'd be buying hundreds as that would very likely become my new automatically preselected birthday, shower, wedding, any occasion gift!

Palmer's said...

I hate jeans too! I have never owned the "perfect pair of jeans"...never! My problem is that they are never long enough!! UGH.
By the way, you're an awesome writer! You are hilar.

Palmer's said...

About your letter to the editor about jeans...I read about a website that is "supposed" to help with that! Check it out:
Tell me what you think! Enjoy. Can't wait to see you in June!

Rozel said...

Do you think Midol will work on irritable husbands? Not that my husband is EVER irritable, just sayin’. . .

As for the jeans . . .ey, yi, yi, you are telling me. I don't think any of us would know that we have muffin tops and/or love handles if those blasted low ridin', crack showin' jeans didn't exist. We would all be happily covering both areas without a care in the world.

Sorry about the LATE comment. I must not have been introduced to your geniusness.