Midlife Crisis

It all started on my birthday, as I was driving home from my day-long shopping trip. Well, that's not completely true. I have been pondering this quandary since before I was married: how many kids will I have? After we had Saylor I considered being done, not only because she woke up every 15 minutes at night, causing my body to spiral quickly into deteriorated health, but because all efforts to have another child seemed ineffective. After years of trying, I finally gave up hope of future children, cleaned out my basement, and gave away all baby paraphernalia to a local charity. Two days later I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled for about three days. Then the reality hit in the form of debilitating nausea, sending me for rounds of fluids via IV. My first pregnancy had been bad, but this one was off the charts. I was still fighting the gag reflex on the delivery table, and my doctor "suggested" I consider being done, which he assured me would be simple enough, as it would be practically impossible to conceive again. Great! That solved the issue for me, and I got rid of all newly-acquired baby furnishings, and then surprise! 12 months later I suddenly can't watch Pizza Hut commercials without feeling sick, and my jeans fit a little different. You guessed it: pregnant. Third time's a charm, or so they say, and I was only sick for three months, and never enough to require an emergency visit to the hospital, so we rejoiced. Now we're 99.8% sure we are finished having babies, as we have officially had one more than we thought possible, and don't want to "push our luck." Again, I cleanse our house of all pregnancy/baby affiliation. But the doctor seems optimistic, and "suggests" that since it went so smooth, maybe all hope is not lost. Maybe that's when the seed of doubt was planted, but until last Saturday I didn't realize that the seed has sprouted into a blossoming tree of uncertainty. Long ago I somehow got it in my head that I wanted to be done having children by the time I am 30, so maybe the sudden time crunch kicked me in gear, leaving me panic-stricken about making a decision of this magnitude in such a short window of time. Or maybe it's that my two pregnancy buddies, with whom I have shared almost every complaint of my last two pregnancies, are pregnant without me. I know - I'm pretty pathetic for being so easily swayed. Whatever the reason, I am having a serious crisis of the mind here! How do you KNOW you're done? And don't tell me you, "just know," because I'm sick to death of that insipid reply. Would someone please just make this decision for me? I am thoroughly tired of thinking about it, worrying over it, and discussing it. Anyone? Oh, and in case you happen to be wondering where Ty stands on the subject: He does not care. He would welcome ten children into our family if that's what I wanted to do. He thinks it's my decision because I'm the one who has to be pregnant and deal with the children on the most regular basis. So, while this is all so supportive, it doesn't help me in the least. Now, do you still want to tackle this issue in the form of a comment? Please help!