Friday, November 28, 2008

How do you take your Friday? Black. No Sugar.

First of all, let it be known from this time, henceforth and forever: I will NEVER again get up at 4:00 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving to shop. This year was my first time, and it was definitely my last. After several assurances from a (liar-liar-pants-on-fire) sales clerk at Walmart yesterday that they "wouldn't run out," Ty convinced me to go stand in line/pack. Being a Black Friday virgin and all, the whole experience was rather surreal. I will say that I am thoroughly ashamed for my kind (human). Here's how it went down (in a chronological list - cause I like lists, and it's my blog, so I can make as many lists as I want):
1. Park at the Idaho/Utah border and hike back in to the Chubbuck Walmart, stopping to hydrate and carb-load twice.
2. Walk. Stop. Walk. Stop. Walk. Stop. Walk. Stop. Repeat 50,000 times until the back of the Walmart store is in sight (Man! How big are those flippin' stores anyhow?).
3. Stand. Get pushed. Stand. Grimace at the lack of hygiene amongst fellow shoppers. Stand. Inch forward. Stand. 1/2 inch forward (Where, oh where, does everyone think we're going? It reminded me of people at traffic lights that stop 10 feet behind the line and then inch forward, braking intermittently, until they are finally at the line).
4. "Walmart shoppers, in ten minutes we will start the count down." Breathing of those around me becomes somewhat erratic, but I shrug it off as my imagination.
5. "Walmart shoppers, in two minutes we will start the count down. Please remember to be courteous." (Me: Hmmm...I wonder why they feel they should include that last bit? Everyone around here seems like decent enough folk, albeit stinky.) The temperature rises twelve and a half degrees.
6. "10, 9, 8 (everyone milicentimeters forward), 7, 6 (synchronized breathing of crowd gets heavier, louder), 5 (snarls are heard and foaming at the mouth of several crowd members commences), 4 (claws emerge - image Wolverine from X-Men), 3, 2 (growling), 1 (howling)..." And I'm lost in a scene from some horror movie. And then, as quickly as it pounced, the crowd is gone, leaving in its wake a pallet covered in dismembered tape and black plastic, and me, empty-handed, wondering what just happened.
7. Walk. Stop. Walk. Stop (getting frustrated now). Walk.
Run. Run. Run all the way back to my car and make it home at Nascar race-winning speed.
8. Bolt the door behind me.
9. Go back to bed. Disgruntled.
So, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that, should you choose to engage in such activities as shopping on the day after Thanksgiving, we can't be friends.

Unless you're shopping for a gift for me. In which case, I'm sure a compromise can be reached.

And now allow me to share some scenes from my lovely, beautiful (especially when compared with the gruesome scenes of this morning) Thanksgiving day. Here's what the kids did:

Played with *Gris, watched Gris, taunted Gris, rode Gris

Craft project with Grandma

And here's what the adults did:

Nothing. Fabulous!

Other highlights included eating, listening to stories of the brothers' youth (my favorite activity), Gears of War, losing Sylas (he was peeping in the neighbor's sliding back door, and so proud when they brought him over. He kept chuckling and saying excitedly, "Me. Say, Hi!" and waving ecstatically), finding when we went to finally hook up the speakers and amp in Ty's truck (after 5 months) that they had all been stolen (go figure, after all the scary-Larry neighborhoods we've lived in, THIS one is where we learn to lock our doors), studying ads, listening to my kids boss everyone else's kids around, sitting, feeling good at last (I was sick all week, but felt well as soon as the feast was finished cooking - it was a Thanksgiving miracle).

*Uncle B's dog


Tigerlilly said...

What were you shopping for at Wal*Mart?

sharlee said...

Andrea, I am crying (literally!) from laughing at your shopping story. oh my gosh! That needs to be published in the newspaper so people can do a self evaluation of their black friday behavior and just to get a good laugh. You rock.

Andrea said...

X-box. Ty almost bought it yesterday, but the helpful clerk told him to come back today instead, because THEN we'd get Guitar Hero III and a wireless guitar for "free." I have long been of the opinion that my sleep and time and peace of mind (not to mention my faith in humanity) is worth more than the $ I'd save by going out on Black Friday, but for some reason the promise of that $90 bonus game got the better of me this year. Maybe because it's the only x-box game I like. Maybe because I'm a sucker.

Lena said...

You are a nice wife, I made Ryan go out for his crazy purchase 8 years ago...history has not repeated itself around here!

Amber said...

a. um, you're crazy and b. um, you're crazy. Enough said. On a side note, one year Tara dragged me out of bed at some ridiculous hour on Black Friday to stand in line at Walmart with the other crazies, thing was we receive some sort of red carpet treatment (and in Walmart standards that means we did not get trampled to death) because she was an employee. Watching her run around like a mad woman throwing things in her cart was hilarious, quite like this post.

Marianne said...

I wasn't quite crazy enough to go shopping at 4 a.m., but I was crazy enough to take my kids (Joel went fishing). Like you, I was a little naive about the whole black Friday shopping experience. I didn't think it'd be THAT bad, especially a few hours after the store opened. Well, I was shocked. The kids and I went to Johann. They had some good sales on fabric and other stuff. I thought I would get a couple yards of fabric for a future project. Well, that idea was immediately thrown out the window. Women were everywhere, with carts piled to the ceiling with bolts of fabric. Whole rows of fabric were gone, and the line at the cut table was insane. People were waiting hours just to get their fabric cut. Well, obviously I didn't get any fabric, but I did get some other things, so I had to wait in the mile long check out line for at least a half an hour. I thought I'd amuse Noah by letting him pick out a Christmas ornament. After he broke the second one he picked out I bagged that idea. Clara wasn't happy unless she was pulling things off shelves. But, we eventually made it to the check stand. It really wasn't too bad, but I will never take my kids again, and now I know that shopping on Black Friday IS that bad. At least I didn't suffer through the horror film you experienced. I'm so sorry! Isn't it amazing what good (but stinky) people can turn into?

By the way, I'm so sorry I wasn't home today to see you guys! Dang it!

Rozel said...

I rolled out of bed at oh. . .8:30am and made my way to Target at oh . . .10:30am and still got my purchase. A vacuum cleaner - yay! Granted the only color of vacuum that was on sale was breast cancer pink. Don't care - I have a pink vacuum that works! I am currently watching my husband read the pink vacuum cleaner manual and then making his way over to the box to unwrap the pink vacuum from its cozy home. I think I have heard him say under his breath at least five times "we have a pink vacuum". Yes we do - and it was $100 cheaper than any other vacuum that style. How do you like them apples? Ok - I've said to much. . .must go to church.

Christy said...

This post is too funny. The title cracks me up too. I hate to admit this but I, too, tried the whole "Black Friday" experience this year as well. Glad I can check that HORRIBLE experience on a "NEVER to do THAT again" list! Yeah, pretty crazy. I showed up to Sears thinking, I would be one of few people, only to discover mass groups and lines starting from the door, where people were huddled around and against it, like it was some sort of space heater, to the line stretching to the end of the parking lot. Yeah, that should have been my first clue to take off and go back home, but my curious nature got the best of me, so I stuck it out for 10 minutes till the doors opened and sat in my HEATED car. When the doors finally opened and I herded in like the rest of the crowd, only to find not a lot of so called, "good deals" or "sales". Very disappointing. As I was leaving Sears some lady asked me on the way out if I found some good response, "Not really."
I still can not believe that some lady was trampled to DEATH at some WalMart that morning. I mean is saving a buck really drive people that crazy? It's the time of year you are "supposed" to think of others...obviously those people trampling that lady to death forgot to think of others.

Anyway here I go again on another rambling to take over your blog. Sorry. Great post though.

Emily said...

Wait, so did you get the game or not?

At least you survived!

Andrea said...

Nope. No Xbox for the least not at a greatly discounted rate.

Rozel, I am envious (yes, envious) of your pink vacuum, so take that!

Tools of Every Kind- The Lambinaters said...

Next time tell Adam whet you are wanting. I always send him and he always manages to come home with it.

Palmer family said...

Where did you eat your Thanksgiving feast? Your house? Sounds like a crazy shopping morning for you and fun Thanksgiving with the fam!