Tuesday, April 28, 2009


My fridge is trying to kill me.

I've suspected as much for quite some time now, but didn't feel enough evidence had been gathered to construct a solid complaint. But after the events of today, I am certain my case would stand up in even the most judgmental of courts.

I didn't take any photos of the crime scene. I figured they would be too gory for the delicate nature of blogspot. You'll just have to believe me when I say that chunks of my right pointer finger knuckle hung from my crisper at precisely 12:14 p.m. this afternoon. It was a bloodbath. Two sterile adhesive bandages (because we buy the off-brand) were soaked completely through in the aftermath.

I'm seeking the advice of a trusted lawyer, who is pretty sure I will be awarded damages in excess of $1.88.

But it's my money, and I want it now! (Sorry, that was completely for my husband. Please disregard)

You'd better watch your back, Mr. Kenmore. I'm coming after you.

Is it just my fridge, or does anyone else's kitchen appliances have razor sharp shelf edges? It is seriously starting to get on my nerves how often I am bloodied, when all I want is an egg. Who woulda' thought to feel every edge and corner when shopping for an icebox? Not me! I guess the upside of it is that if I were ever attacked in my kitchen by an intruder, I would have a deadly weapon at my fingertips. That is, if I have any fingertips left by then. Either way, I'd make a scary foe. So don't mess.

And now, as I send this off for posting, I am wondering why I chose to write about such a controversial and thought-provoking subject today. It really is a mystery what goes on in my head. I apologize.

But YOU try writing a rational post when your fridge has a hit out on YOU. It's not as easy as it looks.


Christy said...

I love your writing! I am glad I can come to your blog for a good laugh...I'll be needing that in the next few months! Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for our family and our twins.

Stephanie said...

Ouch! Psyco freezer!!! You might try putting duct tape on the edges (you can get it in a plethera of unique colors) or maybe electric tape...Either way, I really would contact Kenmore and let them know that they need to fix this design flaw...Make a call, save some fingers. Have a great and blood-free day. :)

Emily said...

It seems I always cut myself right before I have to go to work, and then I have to wash my hands constantly, so a band-aid won't stay on & it never heals.

I want to hear about your weekend!

sharlee said...

You make me laugh. Sorry about your fingers.

The United Statements of Merica said...

Wow. I thought i was alone.. My appliances aren't cutting me, but they are trying to fry my eyes with their hideousness. There could be others. I think it's time we took a stand. Maybe a dysfunctional appliance awareness day or something..

Rozel said...

I agree with Steph on many counts:

Count #1: Psycho freezer!
Count #2: Duck tape - yes duck tape, need I say more. I giggle at the thought of opening your fridge to see it lined with duck tape. Complete with seasonal color changes.
Count #3: You must write Kenmore a letter. Maybe they will send you a coupon.

Now I need to add my original thoughts . . . I don’t have any today. Sorry, just plain out of ‘em. You did, however, inspired a future blog. Did I tell you when I found a knuckle skin (allegedly) in my salsa? Oh . . blog to come . . .maybe tonight if I feel inspired!

Marianne said...

You're so funny! You're like Joel- whenever he gets hurt he makes me laugh because he's so funny about it. I feel bad for laughing, but that's what you guys get for being so darn funny.

Lena said...

Youch! In one of my culinary classes (please don't assume I can cook...I tried my hardest to fail these classes) they taught a technique where you bend your fingers to avoid cutting yourself when using sharp objects (ie Knives)...maybe this same technique could be used with your fridge. Just a thought.

Debbie and Boys said...

Thanks for making your postings more than the mundane everyday life...we already have enough of that.
So thanks for the enjoyable rant regarding Mr. Kenmore (not to be mistaken for Mr. Ken Doll, obviously.)

Amber said...

You know how some people are not funny AT ALL, yet they think they are. And so you laugh, as not to make them feel bad or stupid or unworthy. That is not the case with you, my dear. You are a freakin riot (remind me to tell you the story about how I emailed Jordan Knight and told him I was a freakin riot-it will make you laugh). Although I am sure you were traumatized by your naughty fridge, who else is hoping it happens again so we can read another one of these posts?