Tuesday, August 25, 2009

RIP: revised

"It's a delicious life!" That was her motto.

"Eat hard and calorie what?" That was her other motto.

Three consecutive pregnancies had little lasting effect on her sense of abandon. If anything, they conditioned her to solve all life's riddles with morsels of fattening answers: When her hips ached she was soothed by peanut butter Cap'n Crunch at all hours. When her stomach lurched, only Snickers and Twix had the power to sustain her for one more day. Moments after each child's debut she was lulled into security by Mr. Quizno himself. Him, and a hefty milkshake.

And some fries. And miniature candy bars (are you reading this, Sunshine?).

When stretch marks made casual contact between stomach and hand nauseating, Mother's Circus Animals (because one must have a substitute for chocolate when one's nursing children are intolerant of that particular delicacy) stilled her shudders.

And none of it mattered.

Between their birth and 15 months she was little more than a dairy cow to her children, and ate almost as much. But the more she nursed the less she weighed, until the scale registered double digits, at which point doctors worried and babies were forcefully weaned. It broke her heart to let her youngsters fend for themselves at only 15 months, but she soldered the crack with molten hot fudge sauce.

And she still lost weight.

"Chocolate heals all wounds," was a motto she adopted late in life.

She nursed her blog like a fourth baby, believing her inspiration lay somewhere between the two ends of a candy bar. Or deep within a box of whoppers.

And it did.

"Give me candy or give me death!" - another motto. She had a lot of mottoes. Maybe that was her problem. Probably it was just that she ate too much junk food, but you never know with these things.

No one can rightly explain where it all went wrong, but jeans don't lie, and suddenly they were all fitting dangerously snug. Early last week Andrea's former body failed her. Instead of spontaneous weight loss despite ladles-full of saturated fat, her body reacted negatively, leaving extra jiggles and bulk in places where nothing previously existed. The family suspects strangulation, as suspicious red gouges under her waistband were found at the scene.

Andrea's late body was laid to rest somewhere between ages 29 and 30. It is survived only by a new, grudge-holding body that no one recognizes.

Please join in mourning with the family by making radical exercise goals and imaginative diet regimes that will never materialize.

You may pay your respects by way of comment.

Or monetary donations.

But mostly comment.


Andrea said...

...all this, and I munched on a heath bar while I wrote it.

Somebody help me.

Amber said...

Just one Heath bar. Wimp! Now that you are 30, I'm glad to see you letting go of all the baggage of your younger years and embracing your new self. Your new still stick thin I-would-bury-my-pre-baby-body-to-gain-your-post-baby-body self. But if it makes you feel better, I just sang a few bars of Kumbaya. You know in remembrance and all. Now I am off to down a few pounds of candy, um, in honor of course.

ps. If you need someone to make funeral potatoes or jello salad, let me know.

sharlee said...

Oh, I'm all about radical exercise and unrealistic diets. The other night I even set my alarm for 5:20 a.m. for Kendal and I to go for a morning walk. If it hadn't been for that blasted rain we would have been up and at 'em, I'm sure of it!

I don't really know what your talking about anyway, what with those skinny buns of yours.

Andrea said...

It must be the 30 thing (at least that's what I'm blaming it on...couldn't be all those treats!), cause suddenly this week I'm growing! I told the hubs that we might need to have another baby so I can fit into my jeans again, but he's not taking the bait.

Anyone know any quick fixes for hips?

sharlee said...

Yes, new jeans, one size larger--works every time. Let's see, that'll put you at about a size 4?

T-licious D-zire and C-hillins said...

Ok I totally got confused and thought you were saying goodbye to a larger body, but now I think you're saying goodbye to a skinnier body, and I just don't even see how that's possible?!? Seriously, when you hit my weight, then I'll mourn with you!
And your mottos are fantastic lol

Andrea said...

Is that better? I think the only way I know how to write IS confusing.

In case it's STILL muddled, I'm saying that lately my body is acting out and not fitting properly into my clothes.


Rozel (a.k.a. Michelle) said...

O my dear Andrea ~ I would kill for a body like yours. May body has waxed and waned over the years. Although I am becoming more comfortable in my skin I am slightly embarassed that my body is such of a body who has had 10 kids and yet I have had none. Sadly, I have no excuse other than my laziness. I think we can all kiss our youth goodbye!

Now how is that for an uplifting post - sorry.

Christy said...

haha! What a hilarious post! Not only because you are the slenderest MOM I have ever met but also because you are mourning for gaining weight?!

Wait. What?? I just saw you last week, and I thought, "Dang she looks good!" I guess we all have a right to feel "fat" sometimes. I know I do, but I AM. So doesn't that give me more, of a right? haha, jk!

Sorry I didn't make it to the funeral. I was... working out.


K. I am tired, 3am feedings do a number on me! Sorry if this doesn't make ANY sense.

p.s. Got any more candy bars?? ;)

T-licious D-zire and C-hillins said...

lol yes better. you are so funny! And oh so skinny!!! but I will not deny you your mourning if you feel so inclined, just know that some of us have a much heavier mourn.... one that has hung on for years and years...

Rozel (a.k.a. Michelle) said...

P.S. I just bought Costco size box of Hershey candy bars for "s'mores for our camp out" I am not sure how many Hershey candy bars are going to make it to the campground.

Emily said...

Well, it's about time! ;) Sorry, it's hard for us (me) who have not been your size since 3rd grade to sympathize. But I totally agree with you that it is 30's fault. I suddenly have wrinkles & bags under my eyes & I can't leave the house without mascara. I would also like to know, what's happening to me???

Also, this post made me hungry.

Parley and Anna and family! said...

You've got me worried about what's going to happen at 30--I've already gained a bajillion pounds since I turned 20! Maybe, then, I will magically begin to drop the pounds?! You think?
Sorry for your gain. It is depressing, no matter the size.