Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Rant, Some Shallow Generalizations I Will Eventually Regret, and A Copyright

You're not supposed to be funny (at least not the brand of funny I buy).

That's the impression I get when I try to talk to some women.

Your voice is supposed to be high. Or whiny. Or sing-songy.

(my voice is a little low and rather blunt/unfeminine)

And the more cutesy abbreviations you use, the better!

(if you ever hear me say 'twinsies', 'preggers', or 'fab' please punch me in the throat)

You're supposed to draw your eyebrows together and pucker your lips ever-so slightly in a look of genuine (-looking) concern.

(I feel fake when I do this, which makes me laugh)

You should make guttural clucking sounds to show you sympathize.

(Mine come out sounding sarcastic - which they are)

You should practically tear-up at the thought of raising your voice at your children.

(No parenthesis needed)

You're supposed to be really good at small talk, and earnestly strive to agree with things.

(I almost never agree with dumb things)

And nod your head a lot while you pretend to listen.

(Though it is a talent I envy, if you can carry on a conversation with me and your three kids at the same time, I would rather talk to a goat)

Or "top that."Which is the same as agreeing, but on a whole new, more super-awesome level. In fact, I think you get bonus points for it.

(If I wanted to, I could top everything. Sometimes I do, and then I want to kick myself. Why do I do that?)

Your repertoire of conversation topics should include places you shop, cruises you've been on, and the many sainthood-making benefits of natural childbirth.

(I care less and less about shopping the older/tireder I grow, I get intensely motion sick just hearing the word 'cruise', and I know it shows a lack of something fundamental, but I don't enjoy bragging about my childbirthing exploits. It really is one topic I don't get worked-up over, or have a strong opinion about - aside from detesting when people are made to feel bad - intentionally or otherwise - about their very personal experiences in this realm)

Being serene is important. Don't be excitable! Or, heaven forbid, exciting.

(I am the opposite of serene. Try me. Say something sexist - or practically anything else that I feel strongly about - and watch my hands begin to shake as I climb aboard the USS Soapbox...which isn't really a boat, cause remember: motion sickness)

(I would never claim to be exciting, either, just for the record)

Taking things seriously is a must. I mean, if your little girl doesn't have a ribbon bow that coordinates with EVERY outfit, or you somehow managed to miss the sign-up deadline for the 6-12 month-old ballet class, then you may as well turn yourself in to the authorities right now. Cause if you don't, I'm calling Child Protective Services myself. Serious stuff.

And, in case you missed this before, I have a sorta hard time taking things seriously.

No, that's not correct. I just don't like to be serious for too long. I can take things seriously all day long if I need to.

I take things too seriously, actually.

Especially my time.

Which I like to spend NOT talking to some women.

*This is yet another installment of my bitter journey through the strong feelings I have about not feeling understood by almost every woman I meet. One of these days I will figure out how to fit in. Or get over my judgmentalist ways. Until then, I will rant. Because it makes me feel better.
*The Judgmentalist is an excellent title for a movie. I hereby copyright it.
*I know I'm a brat, and I am currently undergoing treatment for this condition. It's not looking very promising.
*I will regret this post almost immediately, guaranteed. But what are blogs for, if not that?


Elisabeth (and Tyler) said...

Why, oh WHY do we not live closer to one another? I'd even settle for just seeing you twice in the same decade. I love this. And have a few shallow generalizations of my own a-brewing..

Anonymous said...

BooaaaAAA HaaAAA HaaAAA! That is some funny stuff. I endorse this message.

Marianne said...

I HATE the word preggars! So trust me, I would punch you in the throat if you every said it.

This was so great. (As always!) I think your problem is that you're smarter and more observant than most people, which is not necessarily a problem. You remind me of Jane Austen. (I just watched "Becoming Jane" two times so I'm pretty much an expert on her.)

Mattie Rae said...

I have to say that I have many of the same feelings. I've always been "different" than most girls and it often seemed like other girls were so weird. I always felt like I never fit in.

I get easily bored with shallow conversations. I like to be around people that are passionate about things and that are exciting! Politeness is nice but being so polite that you can't be real is just annoying. I want real. I want to know the "real" you. I want to talk about "real" things.

There are cool people everywhere. They just are hard to find because they keep to themselves like we do because they don't feel like they fit in either.

Love you!