Thursday, September 11, 2008

Who Am I?


Dear Identity Thief,
Hello. You may remember me as the madam whose information you stole not long ago via my trusted home mortgage lender. While I am flattered (no one has ever wanted to be ME before - I feel so loved!), I can't help but wonder about your judgement. I am suspicious about whether or not you know me well enough to realize what you are agreeing to, for we're so newly acquainted, you and I. If I were in your shoes (which of course is impossible, as it is YOU who are now in MINE) I would be awfully scrupulous in choosing an identity, for identities are hard to come by - for most of us it takes years!

Since you have now committed yourself to being me (and did so in obvious rash haste), I feel it my duty to inform you of a few "identifying" features of my life:
#1. Do you know that I have an identity crisis almost daily? While it is inconvenient enough for ME, I can only assume this will be problematic, at best, for someone of your profession!
#2. I am a woman, a wife, and a mother (of three, and an old lady). Honestly, if you knew what this brief statement means, you would run (and how fast) and never look back. Especially if you knew that this is the core of my identity, and that I am joyfully consigned to it.
#3. I only own one measly credit card. Up until recently I was not aware I even had a credit score, but now that I know how excellent it is (thank you for the awareness) perhaps I will treat myself to that chrome-tastic Land Cruiser I have been eyeing...that is, if I haven't already. You see there's really no way of knowing, as YOU are now me and I am now...well, who am I?

Now that you have the facts, perhaps you will rethink your covetous ways and find a more attractive identity to seize. Between now and then, let me assure you that I will be doing my best to redefine myself. I hope that someday you will be proud to say that you were me for a small moment (but no longer, okay?)!

The object of your unctuous attentions,
the former Mrs. Andrea Orton Shuman (maybe I should sign with a symbol now?)

11 comments:

sharlee said...

Yikes. What HAPPENED!?

Christy said...

OH NO! Yes, what happened?

Sharalen said...

That is horrible! My husband talks about the dangers of this constantly, but I never take it seriously since it's never happened to anyone I know. So now upon reading this, I am changing my tune and getting acquainted with my new best friend, the paper shredder.

By the way, Andrea, you need to write a book. I don't even care what it's about - you just have a magical way of expressing yourself! Even identity theft is a joy to read if it's written by you!! What a talent!

Rindee said...

A few years ago I tried to open a bank account and they told me that I had some delinquencies. Huh? So I got my credit report and sure enough, some guy had used my SSN to open a bank account and had overdrawn it and never resolved it. Luckily it was the only offence. I assume that our SSN's were similar and there was just an imput error. But it was still a very creepy feeling wondering what someone could do with my name and credit and who knows what else?

You'll have to let us know what happened and what comes of it

Andrea said...

I received a letter from my mortgage company informing me that a now former employee had sold my information to a third-party, that they were sincerely sorry (although not sorry enough to forgive my mortgage debt...I know, it's the least they could do, don't you think?), and that they would provide two years of credit monitoring service free of charge. So nothing too exciting. I just have to vigilantly check everything that goes on in all my accounts for the next two years and I should be fine. I'm not overly concerned - we had someone steal our credit card information a few years ago and rack up a bunch of charges, and that turned out just fine. It only disturbs me that it happened the way it DID - through people who legitimately HAVE all my info. and are supposed to be trustworthy! Cause how can you protect yourself against that? No amount of paper-shredding and secret password using can stop it. Just another thing to be paranoid over I guess.

Mattie Rae said...

Yeah, my parents received the same letter. Must have Countrywide for your mortgage lender. Not cool.

Amber said...

Working at a bank for years, I saw the after math of identity theft almost daily. It is real and it is scary. I have yet to be affected, but even if you think you are doing everything right, you can be a victim. For some of our customers, it took them years to get everything in order and cost hundreds (often thousands) of dollars. Scary stuff. I do however love your spin on it as always. I find your humor, well, funny!

Christy said...

that is crazy!! I am constantly paranoid about it and on the lookout. My husband thinks I am extreme sometimes but I don't think so. I don't even like giving my credit card at a drive through window because when they shut the window with my card, I don't know if they are quickly writing it down, memorizing it or something! It freaks me out. This one time I was getting icecream at baskin robbins, and this girl took my card into the back room to swipe it, but I could still see her and she took out her cell phone and took a picture of it!!!! I was FURIOUS!! I told her that I saw her take a picture of my card and that she better erase it and not even think about doing anything with it. Then I called the owner and reported her. Even before this happened I have always been pretty careful, but now I am always on alert! Even being as alert as I am, it could still happen!

Sharalen said...

Yep, we got our little letter in the mail from Countrywide recently as well. Thanks for the heads-up on that; without hearing it from this blog, we'd be freaking out from shock as well as the thought of it.

Palmer family said...

WHAT A MESS! Your story stressed me out for a moment or two. That person (or people) deserve jail time! Who thinks that is okay?? WELL, IT'S NOT. I hope (knock on wood) that I never have to deal with something like that. I am already paranoid about something like that happening to me. Not that someone wants to pretend they're me w/ all our student loan debt! :( In this crazy world though, you never know! Good luck with all that!

Whitney said...

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY THE MOST ENTERTAINING AND BRILLANT WRITER I HAVE READ IN A LOOOOOOONG TIME! WHERE DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU HIDE OUT - WITH SO MANY TALENTS - YOU NEED TO BE WRITING COLUMNS FOR MAJOR NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES! i.e. WOMANS HOME JOURNAL!!! THANKS FOR LETTING ME VIEW YOUR WORLD AND I HOPE IT'S OKAY I ADDED YOU TO MY LIST OF BLOGS. I AM NEW AT THIS, SO YOU WILL HAVE TO TEACH ME A FEW TRICKS! I WAS LAUGHING outloud OH MY GOSH AT EVERY ONE OF YOUR POSTS, IN PARTICULAR , THE POO STORY! lol!!!! SO .... NORMAL FOR MOTHERHOOD! GO GIRLY! I AM HAPPY TO KNOW YOU. WHITNEY