Monday, March 16, 2009

Fashion Forecast, Lucky Charms

(If you didn't catch the play-on-words from Robin Hood, we can't be friends. Just kidding. We can. Because I really could use a few friends who DON'T have every Disney movie line memorized)

Well, it's that time again, ladies! Time to ditch those sorry excuses for flip-flops (otherwise known as boots), cumbersome full-length jeans, and itchy sweaters: SPRING! Okay, maybe not spring, per se, but it's time to start thinking about spring. Which means: fashion. And since no one has yet to bestow upon me the title of Fashionista Extraordinaire (I've been waiting for YEARS now), I will have to take certain liberties here while I expect you to care about my advice on the latest must-have accessories for the upcoming spring seasonista (fashionista's license is kind of like poetic license...only way cooler and less grammatically correct).

First off, what's spring without plastic?
Here we have our model bejeweled in pink, heart-shaped splendor. The white, bobble-head rabbit is an especially nice touch, and will take any casual ensemble to the next level.

Inner Tiger pose not included)

Now let's discuss nail color. While it might be said (by my husband and I) that painted toenails belong to women alone, this season finds young men blurring the lines with a single scarlet toenail. Tear-stained cheeks are an especially haunting touch, and remind others that someday, if toddlers have their way, the other nine toes will have their revenge.

left foot, pinkie toe. real tears. real tantrum. daddy still says no to nail paint.)

What about those days when you just can't drag yourself off the floor? The newest thing in lounge wear this season is the ski lift tag. It is a girl's best friend! Simply clip it to your outerwear, choose a comfy plot of carpet, and FLOP! You've just earned yourself a few moments' peace and quiet. No one dares question the exhaustion level of the just-returned-from-a-day-on-the-slopes look. You're off chore duty for at least a day, and hot chocolate finds its way to your outstretched hand with as little effort as a whimper. Works like a charm.

Lips too skinny (and if you're related to me, I know your answer is yes, because your oldest sister somehow managed to siphon all the full lip genes into her own personal pool)? Forget collagen, just get a cold sore! It is all the rage these days. Not only does it add a little pout to the ol' kisser (probably on account of you'll be pouting that you got a cold sore), but the lovely sheen of white medicine one must slather on really takes the allure factor up a notch. See what I mean? Pouty: check. Sexy: double check.

giving Mt. Everest a run for its money)

What? What's that you say? The cold sore was only a temporary fix (what, seven days ain't good enough for ya?)? And your's a little on the petite side? Never fear. This lovely pair of enhancements is available to the general public for only a dollar! I know, I know. It sounds too good to be true. You'll just have to take my word for it (or visit your local dollar store).

You have now graduated Andrea's Fashion Maven Course 101. Click on the link here to print your diploma (and add some yellow heels, cause I think yellow is my new red this season).

Now shove those winter clothes to the back of your closet, box up the coats and mittens, and make me proud! Cause, to any of you (especially my husband) who dare ask, "Do you think that by not wearing a coat, socks, or shoes, spring will get here quicker?" I give my resounding, "I don't THINK so. I KNOW so!"


Rozel said...

Can I please just have an ounce of your cleverness, creativity, and fashion sense? Please? PLEASE?!?!

I am willing to be that friend who doesn't know all the lines to the Disney movies made after 1997 (the year I moved out of my house a rented something that was NOT rated 'G' - I am such a rebel!).

Spring is March 20th, I think. I am looking forward to it. What is that saying? "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb"? Or is it the other way around? Is it even March? Either way I will see YOU in April!

P.S. Anthropology should pay you advertising $$$ for putting that link on your very traveled blog site.

sharlee said...

I'm going to kill over one of these days reading your blog! I think Sharise will be honored to have her "name" mentioned in your fashion course. I feel ready to take on spring fashion now. Thanks a million!

p.s. I already figured out the cold sore trick, though the scarring tends to shrink the lip a tad. It's all worth 7 days of bliss, though.

Amber said...

So, because you knew me at the peak of my fashion days (seriously, stop laughing, those were the good times. Can you only imagine what that means for my current wardrobe?!), even advice as, um, helpful as the little gems in your post are welcomed. Just wait until we decide to get all glammed up and hit the town when you come, and I walk out in yoga pants and a tank top (don't worry, I would wear a fancy rhinestone tank top and change out of my sports bra for the occasion). Then you would realize that, as much as you mock yourself and your fashinonistic advice, this pathetic schlumpy disaster could use all the (hilarious) help offered!

Lena said...

WE have the exact same toenail paint for boys at our house! Poor little Walker took the end of his toe off this morning! While you are yearning for spring, we are dreading summer down here. it is supposed to be in the 90's this week...which just means the HOT weather will soon be here and our outdoor bliss ends.

As for thin lips--I honestly and truly like them. I always looked at a boys lips and I could never date a large lipped guy...those ooshy-gooshy suckers would drown me if we ever kissed (not that I ever kissed any guy other than Ryan.) I always thought Aunt Loa was so beautiful and she has very thin lips.

Could we please be neighbors? I would even plant orange trees if it would give you the final push! Right now is the BEST time of year, the fruit is still fresh and yummy, and next year's blossoms are on the tree--and they have the most delicious smell. If only it could be bottled and sold!

Marianne said...

Words cannot adequately express the deep love I have for your blog.

Christy said...

Oh Andrea! So funny and clever, how does another blog even compare?? Uh, they don't. I'll have to try some of these new fashion trends!haha. ;) Of course the BIG nose thing I've already got going on so that's one less thing to worry about!

Stephanie said...

Thanks for the comic relief during my planning hour (yeah, personal stuff while at work...shhhh....) Oh wait, you were serious...ummm...

Marianne said...

Yes I'm coming! I'm so excited to see everyone!

Mardee Rae said...

Oh, the cleverness of YOU! So funny. I have been trying to dress winter away myself. It was going fine until we went to the park and tried to pull off "spring" when it was 39 degrees today.
I laughed so hard at the toenail polish. The tears. So cute.

Paige of Pearls said...

Andrea, your blog is so stinkin' fun to read! You are so clever in your commentary and descriptions of what's "happening." I did recognize the Robin Hood reference - that movie has been rediscovered by my kids over the past few weeks, since we only had limited videos to watch (the rest were packed away in a box during the move).

I inherited the thin lips, too, and the cold sores. Yay. But you look fantastic! I bet you just threw that picture in because you wanted everyone to see your glamour. You can't escape it. You know you're the fashion QUEEN.