Friday, May 22, 2009

Run On

It's been one of those weeks.
You know the kind, don't you? The kind where you feel like you're running a nightmarish marathon (redundant, I know). It's like you want to blog, but you have nothing happy to blog about, and no energy to make the unhappy things sound clever or entertaining or even palatable. You're all exhausted, and feeling clingy, so you don't want to let your family out of your sight long enough to write a blog, because you're just a little weepy and feeling like you take life for granted, and you want to stop doing that because who knows what tomorrow will bring, but at the same time your kids are driving you batty, which makes you feel super guilty for being such a rotten, ungrateful human being, so you tuck them all in bed with a huge sigh of relief (and extra kisses to make up for all the grouchy things you said and thought during the day) that you kept them all alive for another 24 hours, and that you can relax for a while, and before you can drag yourself up the stairs to the computer you get side-tracked by the sight of your husband slumped over the recliner, and you would do anything to make him comfortable, but you feel so unable to help, and (on a selfish note) lonely and anxious for his attention to be less focused on the kidney-wrenching pain, which makes you feel more guilt for even considering your own feelings, especially when he has been such a sport about the whole ordeal, light-years better than you would be in the same circumstance, because you know that you would be doped-up like there's no tomorrow, and taking at least a week off work (or until you stopped peeing blood and gravel at least) if you were in his shoes, and you just can't seem to shake the image of him in a hospital gown, looking so vulnerable and out of his element, and these horrible feelings of helplessness overcome you, and you just want to grab him and squeeze him and kiss him and make it all better, but you don't want to hurt him, so you just sit next to him and watch some stupid show like Heli-loggers or Bow Hunters of the Midwest until Midnight when you finally go to bed and try to sleep through your worry over his sleeplessness beside you, and you feel so grateful to have him, and wonder why you feel so dramatical and want to cry every time you see him, because it wasn't a major surgery, which makes you wonder what you'd ever do if something bad really DID happen to someone you love, which is inevitable, and you realize that you are weak, which makes you mad because you want to be strong, and you have to remind yourself that you're exhausted, which is why you're having such violent mood swings and crying at the drop of a hat (or at the arrival of a postal package containing tic-tacs - thanks Del!), and then you realize that writing it all out would really help, but you can't stop for that, and besides, who would want to read your pathetic complaints, so you just keep running...

and running...

10 comments:

The United Statements of Merica said...

we women are complicated aren't we? You'll be in my prayers tonight.. and That was an impressive guinness book worthy sentance.
xoxo

Amber said...

I know I was on a fabulous cruise and all, but I seriously missed your posts. I even had to pause and think about which one was the lie (seriously, that thought crossed my mind as I was sailing on crystal blue water in the Bahamas. What is wrong w/ me?). Anyway, it is a post like this that makes me love you a little bit more and feel so helpless right along side you. Major surgery or no, our men are supposed to be the strong providers for our family. And although we always are supportive and are the glue that holds the family together, when they are out of commission and it is up to us to be the strong provider, it just sucks. I am sad to hear you had such a junky week, but I love that you vented/rambled/blogged all about it. It doesn't make you a negative person or put a damper on things: it makes you human.

sharlee said...

Well, you managed to make unhappy things clever and interesting to read wether you had the energy or not. Ty is an amazing man. Most men would not be able to function with his afflictions. Give him our love and give yourself a hug. Don't forget that you're never alone. You can always cry on my shoulder if you need to--and sometimes YOU NEED TO...I know.
Love you!

Marianne said...

I'm sorry you guys have had it rough. I hope Ty gets feeling better. I kind of feel bad saying that I enjoyed your post. It's seems a little insensitive to say, but I did. Aside from being clever (as always), it was good for me to read that because I wasn't very nice to my family this morning, and you reminded me (as if my guilt wasn't doing that already) that I need to appreciate and be nice to the people I love.
I hope things better for you guys. I guess we probably won't be seeing you on Monday. You'll be missed!

By the way, I checked out your friend's blog, and you're right- her story is hilarious and definitely takes the cake!

Stephanie said...

Oh, Andrea, how I love your posts. Not just because of the many tears I've shed in laughter, but the numerous thoughts which your honest words provoke. I hope and pray all is/will be well.

Mardee Rae said...

We all feel helpless and weak and selfish and then guilty and mad and annoyed with ourselves for it. So we are all relieved to read that the people we imagine are never so flawed feel the same.
Thanks. I hope your husband recovers well and that you feel better, too. It takes a lot to carry the emotional weight of a family.

Lena said...

I'm glad I am not the only one with all these crazy mixed up emotions tumbling about inside within mintues, and sometimes seconds of each other. I could just never vocalize it so eloquently! Hope Ty recovers quickly, and that the kids spend their days outdoors happily playing in beautiful weather, and that the weather cooperates and provides the BEAUTIFUL part for you!

Palmer family said...

you really need to write a book! I cannot get enough of your stuff! :) Serious.
I am sorry about Ty. Hope he feels better soon!

Christy said...

Wow. I don't know how you come up with all these posts that are so entertaining to read!? Glad to know I am not the only one that feels a hundred different feelings in a few moments time...yet I can't express it as eloquently as you. So thank you for expressing it, for all of us. You do a great service for all of us everytime you write. Please write a book. Come on, get on with it already! ;)


I'm serious.


Hope your hubby is feeling a lot better now.

Rozel (a.k.a. Michelle) said...

Wow, I feel like a lousey friend. I wish I could have done or do something to help you out. Lots of prayers an well wishes. Thank you for being real.