Thursday, July 2, 2009

Irreconcilable Donuts


I just emptied the garbage can under my desk. It looked like a mass grave where every dream I've had of wearing a swim suit was haphazardly tossed to rest in peace: chocodile wrapper, large bag of Good & Plenty (great gumption, those are amazing!), chocodile wrapper, 100 Grand wrapper, chocodile wrapper (truth be told, I ate an entire box last week), whoppers, thousands of miniature candy bar wrappers (remember my trip to Costco?), robin eggs, candy cigarettes (trying to quit). It was a reverse chronological history of my blog in candy exoskeletons. I'm starting to think that me and food need couples therapy. Or an intervention.

On the one sticky, chocolate residued hand, I resent food. I would rather skip a meal than take time to eat. The whole business of physical nourishment (at least before 5:00 p.m. - I'm fine with dinner) is irksome to me. There are so many things I would rather be doing, or SHOULD be doing. I cannot hold still to eat. It's always a bite out of the corner of my mouth as I sprint (one l-o-n-g step) across my kitchen to make a note of something before I forget. Another quick nibble on my way to put clothes in the dryer. Then of course I am sidetracked by something (probably my inbox), and only remember my by-now-cold-and-inedible lunch on my way to answer the phone (which I never actually answer - thank goodness for caller id!). Treats, however, are a different story! I can always rearrange my schedule (say, by bumping lunch to tomorrow) to pencil in some one-on-one time with cookies. Or brownies. Or chocodiles (I know I mentioned these already, but I just found a stray in the back of the pantry, which prompted a renewal of my vow to always be true). Ice cream has lost its allure, though. It's always all, "Hey, take out the entire contents of the freezer to get to me," or "Get a bowl, a spoon, and the ice cream scoop and wait patiently for me to soften (just enough time, coincidentally, for the children to notice and beg for some, too, costing more time and aggravation)." Too high maintenance. The selfish little brat.

On the other hand I become extremely agitated if I do not eat. I have tried to cancel out hunger's evil effects by filling myself with quick sugar fixes, but I end up feeling hollow, tired, and (more) grouchy. Sugar is no substitute for real food. Happiness? Yes. Companionship? Absolutely. Excitement? Si, senor (pardon my lack of tilde y acento). Comfort? You bet! But proper nutrients? No can do. Even though I can tell a marked difference in my body and mind when supplied with adequate nourishment, I easily forget that phenomenon and need reminding. This is where (amongst many other instances) my husband comes in handy. It is not uncommon for my Tyrone (raise your hand if you knew that was his real name, and give yourself a chocodile) to yelp an emphatic, "EEEEAT!" in my general direction when he sees my common sense holding a gun to its head. It's almost like a very frustrating and ridiculous game we play: I get offended and say I don't need to eat. He laughs at my being mad (he's a saint) and assures me that I DO need to eat. I protest, a little more perturbed ("TELL me you didn't just laugh at my very serious and well-deserved anger"), and try to stomp away. He intercepts my escape and forces me to have a piece of cheese, a cracker, or other such small edible. I chew. I swallow. I blink twice, suddenly confused, and then fall into his awaiting arms and kiss his weary face, telling him how much I adore him while he rolls his eyes. Or something like that. It's a hard game to explain to those who haven't played.

Any way you look at it, my on again/off again history with food needs a makeover. It's just not conducive to a healthy environment. And there are children involved.

I may need legal advice.

12 comments:

Amber said...

Since I'm of legal age in like 27 more minutes, I can give you legal advice, no? Eat. That's it. My simple advice. Eat whatever, whenever, whyever (seriously Webster, you are going to question a 30 yr old-don't even think about it). That's my motto. I always make time in my day for eating. And that makes me happy. And then I do a bunch of crunches and workout till I'm all sweaty and that is how I find my balance. And I love chocodiles. Seriously, love them. They used to sell them at the Jacksons across from PHS and I would buy them. Oh how I would buy them. Oh and I think the do whatever you want thing happens at the strike of midnight on your birthday, but I'll keep you posted.

sharlee said...

No wonder you're so skinny. Period.

p.s. You are hilarious and, jeepers, you need to come see me!

Rozel (a.k.a. Michelle) said...

I too would rather grab a quick and easy sugary substance than eat a meal. However, I too, have noticed that my sugar high doesn't last me long enough to get through the day. I could keep on eating my sugar (which I have done) to maintain the high but, inevitably I must stop and the sugar low is miserable. I generally keep the sugar high going until bed time so I can just sleep it off. (The beauty of not having children is that I sit down on the couch in front of the TV with the entire gallon of ice-cream and a spoon – I don’t have to share). Long story short I have to force myself to eat real food before I eat a sugary substance (even for breakfast). Maybe this is a good new year’s resolution – eat real food first, candy second (I am already compiling my list)

P.S. Now that Amber has reach that magical age we are going to have seek her advice for all things, until we reach the age of all knowing (when is your b-day?)

Emily said...

So true. A few marshmallows from my stash in the pantry gets me through many a morning. & a candy bar usually gets me through the long drive home from the grocery store, especially when it's just before dinner. I get pretty grouchy and/or sleepy when I don't snack all day too. I am on a lifelong quest for healthy snacks that I actually like better than Twizzlers. I'll let you know how it goes...

P.S.
I second Amber's advice.

Stephanie said...

I have a lot of good advice about food. I could say, "Just have healthy snacks all cut up and ready to munch in the fridge" or "If it's not in the house, you can't eat it." Of course, if I said those things, I'd be a hypocrite. One day I counted my calories to see how many I actually consumed in one day. It was less than 1000! I'm suppose to have 2000. No wonder I get so exhausted. I'm really bad about rewarding myself with different things, too. I say to myself, if you fold the laundry, you can eat a sandwich. Then I fold the laundry, discover I'm not really starving, give myself another chore, and promise to eat a sandwich when it is done. The process continues until I'm making dinner! I have no problems getting Wesley his meals, though. Go figure!

Mardee Rae said...

Strangely,even though I LOVE to eat, Spencer and I play the same game. It's basically exactly the same. So I appreciated the imagery of some other couple playing our game.
My advice is trail mix. I don't even like nuts. But you get the protein from the nuts, the good fruity stuff from the raisins/cranberries or whatever, and then you have the blessed M&Ms to keep you coming back for more. So you feel a little better than scarfing little debbie treats (which are my version of your chocodile-need) but you still get a little reward. Of course, a Snickers will do the same thing :)

Andrea said...

p.s. Just reading my own post and noticing that the part where I call ice cream a selfish little brat didn't come out as splendidly as planned. Reads like I'm calling my children names. Oops. I could use an English tutor. Any takers?

Marianne said...

If I ate like you do I would look like a beached whale. I'm already starting to resemble one. Just be glad you can eat like that and get away with it. By the way, what is a chocodile? You have my mouth watering with sweet curiosity.

The United Statements of Merica said...

It's like you took this post right out of my heart and made it a lot more fun to read! this is the story of my life.. although I have been getting better about nutrition.. it's funny how being chubby has that effect on you. What you need is a good medical problem to kick you into health mode. But at your rate it won't be long:) I blame double stuffed oreo's for mine. Darn those 2 for 1 sales.

I make this raw green vegitable blender drink (with pineapple, it's not as bad as it sounds) and drink a glass 3 times a week for breakfast, and usually have a banana or other fruit. that makes me a little more committed through out the day, also, I just focus on eating a alot of fruit's and veggies to counter the chocolatey crap love. It's a lot easier to add good stuff than it is to take away sweets.

T-licious D-zire and C-hillins said...

First off, thank you so much for your kind words on my whiney post....you're sweet...must be chocolatey sweet. I also have many a candy/treat wrapper in my garbage, but I still manage to eat 2 ginormous portions at each meal along with all the other garbage. Can you teach me how to hate to eat meals? :) Oh to be skinny like you!

Debbie and Boys said...

What do you mean it didn't come out as planned. The ice cream being a little brat was my favorite part of your genius creativity. I could totally see you very frustrated with the ice cream and the kids!
This is hilarious...
Ya know, you could be allergic to sugar. Lots of people are allergic to their addictions.
FOOD for thought.

Debbie and Boys said...

BTW...where do you find candy cigarettes these days? Haven't seen them since the mini-mart...remember that place?