Thursday, May 22, 2014

Dear Editor of Soccer Coaches

Do you ever realize you haven't taken a single picture this season,
and have to dig one out from last season? 
Dear Soccer Coaches,

I appreciate all you do. Heaven knows I couldn't do it. Mostly because even after 12 years of attending games I still do not understand the rules, and because I have an aversion to objects flying toward my face. At any rate, I know it's a thankless job that your wife probably signed you up to do without your permission. My hat is off to you and your donation of time and patience.

However, let me address one minor thing you all eventually do: the kids vs. parents practice and/or game. It is the worst. I dread it more than anything else I have found dreadful about adulthood. I do not want to play soccer. With you, with other parents, with my own kid. That's why I pay good money to the local league - so my kid(s) can have someone else to play with. If I wanted and/or knew how to play soccer, I would never invest so much time and money in driving them to and from multiple practices and games; I'd just stay home. I have a backyard, you know. And driving around just happens to be my least favorite thing in the world. Besides playing soccer with other parents and our children.

I know what you're thinking: "But it's so much fun for the kids!"
I don't care. There are a lot of things that are fun for kids. I can't speak for anyone else's children, but mine have plenty of opportunities for fun. We don't have to do them all. And what happened to their being on a soccer team counting as fun enough?

Tell you what: just as soon as I want to play soccer, I'll go ahead and let you know. Until then, let me sit in my car with my book during practice, the way God intended. Just accept my thank you note and Jamba Juice gift card at season's end, and let's leave the soccer playing to the kids.

I'm begging you,



Kimi Lou said...

We're up for that "game" (if it can be called such a thing) ina couple of weeks and I told Jeff the other night that I will NOT, under any circumstances be setting foot on that field. My heart-felt agreeance.