Sunday, June 29, 2014

All I Need to Know About Florida I Learned on a Comfy Chair in My Hotel's Courtyard

I spent the week in Florida. Land of oranges and humidity. You know the one.

And here are some of the things I learned within a two mile radius of our hotel (including Tampa General Hospital, a dirty bullet-proof Dominoes Pizza, and Walmart, which is all I saw) that I will go ahead and generalize:

#1. My hair and skin are big fans of Florida. Big, moisturized, extra curly fans.
#2. Florida does summer right. None of this 60 degrees at the end of June crap.
#3. Florida is too far away, so I will most likely never visit again.
#4. Florida's Walmarts carry canned boiled peanuts ('boled' peanuts to all my Southern-accented family). Which makes me wild with envy and righteous indignation.
#5. Florida treats white guys named Tyrone like royalty. If royalty is treated with long bouts of laughter and disbelief, nonsensical ribbing, and free pizza.
#6. Florida has the cutest little lizards. I never thought I would use 'cute' to describe a reptile, but that's what Florida does to you! It's magical, I tell you!

#7. The left side of Florida looks like this in the evening:

#8. Then the lights come on, and the right side looks like this:

#9. The parathyroid surgeons in Florida don't mess around. They diagnose your husband with one tumor, and then they find two! The operation takes 15 minutes, because Florida parathyroid surgeons are awesome. And brilliant. And hilarious. Kind of like me, but with scrubs, lots of money, and high-tech patented-by-them surgical tools. No wonder so many people live in Florida!

(I took this picture of a picture in the hospital waiting room - #7&1/2. Florida hospitals have gorgeous photographs of places you'll never see in person)

#10. Florida makes all your hopes and dreams come true, very painfully (Ty is officially cured of hyperparathyroidism). And now the exciting (which is a nice way of saying excruciating) road to recovery begins. In Idaho. Land of wind and potatoes. You know the one.